Page 1 of 3

Lunar's Story

Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 12:19 am
by lunar_furor
Here it is, the thread for my stories. I don't know how long they'll be or how ofter but I'm thinking once a week or twice a month. But here's the setting and some characters to start.

Setting - There are 5 major nations, that all follow different customs. There is the Tribal nation, the Mechanized nation, The Warrior nation, The Divine nation, and the Peaceful nation.

The Tribal nation is on the plains, and light forests. They worship the earth and animals they hunt. They bother barely anyone, but do not like intruders or strangers. They have no wars but struggles between different tribes. For visual reference of inspiration, the Aborigines.

The Mechanized nation is a nation of thinkers, and scientists... in the nice areas. In the slums and the areas left behind in 'stop developed' areas there is more than average crime, and poverty. These areas are usually kept by the older in the community. Most people leave them alone as they all rely on them for the town/city to work. They worship knowledge, even the thugs and thieves. No reference that I could think of, sorry...

The Warrior nation is a nation of blood thirsty barbarians. They are constantly at war with each other, but the clans are as tight as any family. They worship honor and strength. The more you kill, the better a warrior you are. You live a fight, you are celebrated. Although they war there is still a peace in the towns/cities, they follow strict code, and in the major cities anyone not in a rival clan will not be attacked, but they may be turned away. For visual reference of inspiration, the early Anglo-Saxons.

The Divine nation is one made of those with a strong belief in a higher power known as 'Chrio'. Chrio is an all knowing and all powerful being that is infallible in any way. They follow a strict tome of words that has been passed on from Chrio him self. They live in big cities of stone, defended by the knights of Chrio. Though the order of the town is peaceful and good some of the top officials are corrupt and selfish. They worship Chrio. For visual reference of inspiration, the Holy Crusade.

The peace nation is a nation of monks trained diligently in different martial arts. They are pacifist and isolated from many other nations. They can defend them selves from any attackers that may come but the reason for their training is focus, self improvement, their health, and respect for each other. They worship the body and believe that violence is a waste of the body. They live in the forests in large camps, and there are some cities, with large wooden gates. For visual reference of inspiration, the Shaolin Monks.

Our main character Aekus is from the Mechanical Nation, in a poorer section. He had a hard child hood, and a not much better life as a teen. He was in a gang that was more like a family. He grew close to them and never really left... just grew distant. He is good with a knife and decent with his rifle. The only person from the gang he keeps in contact with is Sesh, his very good friend, who he considers his brother. Sesh has saved Aekus about as many times as Aekus has saved Sesh, and in this town, that says something. The town in question is Sheil.

Well there's some background, questions? Concerns? Comments?

Re: [Title In Development]

Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 11:56 pm
by keja
I have a couple of questions about the Mechanised nation. Is it like modern designed technology with black, white and crome colours or more of a steampunk feel? And will you use the word "contraption"?

Re: [Title In Development]

Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:46 am
by ThingerDudes
so would this be an episodic type thing or is there a grand scheme of things?

Re: [Title In Development]

Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 10:53 pm
by lunar_furor
episodic, and the Mechanized is more Steam punk acutely that hits it pretty nicely, and contraption, well sure why not.

Re: [Title In Development]

Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:36 pm
by Sunglassesman
Becuase you always used to say that we should never use the words Harlot and Contraption, for some reason, but never mind.

And I'm looking forward to it.

Re: [Title In Development]

Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 2:36 am
by lunar_furor
Lol when I say that I'm not really all that serious, I say harlot all the time... contraption not so much, unless it's something that deserves the word, like parts of a car maybe. Anyway, the old codgers might use some old school language. I have the next 2 days off from work, so the first installment should be tomorrow or the day after.

Re: [Title In Development]

Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 7:54 pm
by keja
I'm looking forward to it.

Re: [Title In Development]

Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:05 pm
by ThingerDudes
me too :)

Re: EP 1 ~ All endings have beginnings Pt1.

Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 7:51 pm
by lunar_furor
As Aekus stat there he realized how little he knew about the world. He thought everything was about the same as in Sheil... Now he saw a large open field with green grass, and trees! No tall steel buildings, no steam pouring from random machinery, no shady people walking about. Just a field, and some large animals! When he got off the train he came to a small town, the buildings were built of wood and stone. After some time he came to the opening in the middle of town, after most people had slept. He may be somewhere else, but his sleeping habits were the same. As he appraised the town he heard a growl followed by a roar. It was at this point that he thought that if he had decided differently a few days ago that he wouldn't be staring down a large... well... he didn't know what it was called but it looked like a big cat, it was black and spotted white and gray. It stared at him with deep yellow eyes... if he had only stayed home.

Aekus sprinted down the alley and turned onto a stone street. It was night, and had rained that day, it was hard to see and slippery. He ran as fast as he could, coat waving behind him. His short black hair slicked back from the rain and running. In his arms, a bag full of money, and that money needed to be delivered. Sesh was waiting and the reds (police) were behind him. It was point, in that alley, that he decided he was done robbing stores and such.

Let's go back a little bit. The job was simple. Get in, grab cash, get out. The shop was a small jewelry store, privately owned, there should be no real security. There wasn't... He picked the back door lock, got the money, and a diamond bracelet, and left. The point where things went wrong is when he left. A random passerby saw the door open and watched Aekus leave. He called a nearby red and that was that... just his luck.

He turned left at the end of the alley, sped across the street and through a back yard. The reds were catching up and he needed to get away from them, so when he got through the back yard, past the large shack, he turned right into another yard... if you could call them that, the yards were really just an open area where people have a shed or garage to store stuff. In that yard he ducked under a rail and into a down stairs little corner, before the reds could see. He carefully opened the door and hid inside. The owners of the house must have been sleeping, because he wasn't found. Through the window of the dark room he watched the reds run past. He waited a few minutes and went out again, making his way to Sesh as fast as he could.

Sesh was waiting in their little hide out, which was under the shed of Mr.Heelie who left them alone, because they payed him. In the shed there was a desk, and under that desk was a rug, and under that rug was a door that led to the room where they did their dealings. He waited patiently and wondered if he got caught. Nah... Lari got caught, and he wasn't the brightest thief in the land. When Sesh was starting to get impatient Aekus fell through the door... not climbed, not sauntered, not poked in his head asking if anyone wanted some tea, he fell through. Sesh was a little confused but helped him up.

"Sorry I'm late, some guy saw me leaving the shop."
"Did he know who you were?"
"Nah, he just saw me leaving, I doubt he knew if I was even a guy or not."
"Well that's good, what'd you get?"
"Money, a bag of it, here."

He handed over the bag, not mentioning the bracelet.

"Listen, Sesh... I'm done"
"What?! But you're the best we've got, you avoided the reds with a sack of money, after hitting a jewelry store! They probably thought you had a sack of bracelets, and rings and such! Why are you done?"
"It's gotten to be too much... I'm 22 and all I've done is live in this rubbish city, stealing stuff for the gang."
"I see.."
"I want to go out and check out my options, I want a life Sesh."
"Well this is a life, but I see your point...I'll not tell anyone just till your gone, go pack your stuff... shame your leaving."

He got up, nodded and went off. He packed his things, and prepared some food for the trip. He also gathered some of the money he kept from various thefts. He grabbed the bracelet... it glittered in the faint light of his room. Something about it was rather amazing, which is why he took it. He wasn't sure if he'd keep it, give it to someone, or sell it... but for now he put it in his pocket and fell into his bed. He drifted to sleep wondering what he'd find in the world.

He got on the train heading to where ever he didn't recognize. The train was something new to him, on the inside anyway. It moved along rather quickly and shuddered a little. He arrived in the town...

The yellow eyes looked at him in the darkness, they almost seemed to glow... The thing roared again and darted forward. Now Aekus moved, he darted to the side. This was like when he was attacked by a rival gang... but bigger. He drew his knife and got into a ready stance. When the animal flew forward again Aekus stepped to the side and slashed at the thing. It roared and staggered to the side, thought it didn't fall. It jumped at Aekus and swung at him with a large arm, getting him in the arm. He was bleeding now... it had become a knife fight, who ever bled less, won. Aekus sprinted forward, got the large cat to dash one way, then changed direction, putting him beside the cat. He jumped on top of the cat and cut it again. He must of hit something important, because the beast fell and didn't get up. The people came out, and stared amazed... one man came to him.

"You killed a karra!"
"Sorry? You should be just glad to be alive!"
"I ... see..."

He passed out in the street. Someone must have rushed over to him, and someone must have bandaged him up, because he woke up in some building and he wasn't bleeding anymore. A group of people appeared to him.

"How did you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Kill the karra?"
"What's a karra?"
"The big cat thing you fought!"
"I just... did I guess."
"You are something else... that karra had been terrorizing us for some time now. We are simple people and don't have any fighting experience. The tribals don't listen to us so we just stayed inside at night."
"They live on the plains!"
"Never heard of them."

He looked around, these people thought he had done something amazing, he thought he just tried to survive. His arm still hurt a little. He was alive.

"I'm glad I could help but I have no where to live you see."

A man stepped forward.

"I own the inn, you can stay in one of the rooms until you find another place."
"Thank you, how much is the room?"
"How m... you just relieved the town of a terror! It's free!"
"Oh! Well thank you very much!"

He was led to the room where he put his bag of things, took off his coat, and fell asleep...

Re: Aekus' Story

Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 5:35 am
by lunar_furor
(Title Change)

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 9:18 pm
by keja
I liked it, and I'd enjoy reading another.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2009 2:38 am
by DomTar275
I enjoyed this as well.

Keep writing!

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:45 am
by lunar_furor
New story tomorrow, just a heads up.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:58 am
by Blargen

Re: EP 2 ~ All endings have beginnings Pt2.

Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 6:11 pm
by lunar_furor
Aekus woke up in the room that was awarded to him for killing the karra. He showered, dressed, and grabbed his wallet and knife. He had heard about these 'tribals' who were apparently people who live out on the plains. He went out of the room, and made his way out of the building and ... well he didn't really know where to go after that. Town hall was near the hotel so he decided that that might be a place to start. He made his way over to town hall, where he found nothing. The same was for the 10 random people he saw that day. Nothing until he wandered into a shop.

No one was at the counter, or watching the things. Aekus may have rid the town of a danger, but he was still a thief. He pocketed a nice decorative watch, and a small bun for a snack later.

"Hello? Is anyone here?"
"Huh? What's that?"

An old man hobbled out from a back room and looked up at him through thick glasses. The man was short, bent over in his age. His hair was almost gone and messy, and he wore a white shirt and brown overalls.

"Eh, what can I do for you?"
"Um I was wondering if you could tell me something about the tribals?"
"My rivals? Well there's this damned little kid who-"
"No," he interrupted, and speaking a little louder "the tribal people."
"Oooh, why didn't you say so?" He turned around and grabbed a piece of paper then placed it on the counter. "This is a letter from my son. He went out to go help one of the local tribes some month back. He may still be there."

From it he learned that one of the tribes was located southwest from the town. One of them had ventured to the town one day and was confused. The shop keepers son, Kreis, had found the tribal lady, and helped her back to her home. He wasn't welcomed too openly but she explained to the tribe that he had helped her. She was, at the time, one of the few who could speak, and now there are a few more. Kreis didn't say what the problem was in the paper, just that he would stay until the problem was resolved.

"Thank you sir, this helped quite a bit."
"Yes, you're welcome. Now about that kid who's been defacing my store?"
"W... What?"
"You asked about my rivals!"
"No I di-"
"And you interrupted me earlier! I may be old but I'm not uh... whatsat word... forgetful!"
"I see..."
"For the information I'd like you to solve this problem, you handled the karra easy enough."
"Well uh... I didn't do that flawlessly or anything, and I'm not gonna kill a kid!"
"Wazzat? Kill?! Why would you kill a child! You are ruthless!"
"I'M NOT GOING TO KILL A CHILD!" Aekus yelled.
"Ooooh, my hearing isn't so great."
"Really?" he whispered sarcastically.
"Well anyway, you find out who has been ruining my store, and I'll send forward to my son about you."
"Sounds fair. Thank you."

The old man hobbled back to his little room, and Aekus put the stuff in his pocket back...

Night fell and he had been sitting, watching the store all day now... and no kid showed up yet. He kept watching, to eager to see these tribals to not help the man, and the kid showed up at last. Aekus started to get up, and thought that if he approached the kid, she'd run. No doubt the girl, for it was, knew the town and hiding spots much better than he did. So he watched the girl go into the store, make a mess and sneak out. She ran away and Aekus followed. He stayed out of sight, something he had gotten good at, and watched her go to a home. He waited a little bit, if she left it was hers... and it was. He wrote down where the house was, and what the girl looked like. Then went back to his room to sleep.

"Here you go, where she lives is on there." he told the shopkeeper.
"Girl you say? Who... hmm... well, like I said, I sent forward for you yesterday."
Aekus stared at the man. "Did you say you sent it yesterday?"
The man laughed. "Heh heheh heheheh. Yep. I knew you'd find out anyway."
Aekus thought he had wasted his time but he helped the man and was fine with that.
"You looked like a business driven man, and I saw you put the things back, so I sent immediately."

Aekus thanked the man and went back to his room to gather his things, and slept the night. When morning came, he checked out, and started walking along a road leading southwest from the town. The plains opened up before him as he left the town, and he was a little struck at how expansive it really was. Not zipping past on the train. There were some animals eating the grass far in the distance, and birds flew over head. He had never seen either of these animals before and was still more amazed. He continued walking until he saw a small settlement in the distance, off the road. Walking in it's direction he had no clue what to expect of these people, or if Kreis would know it was him... but he walked anyway. Soon he would meet a new people, a new culture, and he'd probably have to solve their problem too...

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:27 pm
by Shai'tan
I finally took the time to read it all... And so far I'd give this story... 7/10 I think... I do like the story and would like you to write more :)

It's just a couple of things that bothers me about it. The story feels like it's rushed sometimes, there's not enough depth, explanations, it moves too fast. It could do with a bit more of that for starters. And it also seems a bit too convenient sometimes, like how he got the letter from the shopkeepers son(Now why would he give him that I wondered, it would be more likely that he'd just tell him about the tribe men or something). It can also be a bit confusing, especially how you start the story, I think you should rework that a bit. Nothing big and story changing, just make it clearer in some way... It's just that the story(well, not the story itself, but you get the idea (I hope)) is missing something, I don't know what but it does... But aside from all the negative stuff, I do like the main idea and story. The conversations can also be good, like with the shopkeeper, humour is important :)

Anyways, keep up the good work and don't be discouraged :D

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:38 am
by lunar_furor
I know what you mean. And I know it's a little rushed but It's a little hard to keep... how do I put it... Ok I get along in the story and feel like it's getting too long for people to be interrested, and the letter thing I just couldn't really think of another way... I'll work on that in the future but I'll leave these alone just as, say, reflection. Thanks for the constructive criticism and thank you for reading!

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 8:50 am
by keja
It was pretty good.

I would also like to re-point out Shai's problems, without sounding too rude.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:51 am
by Shai'tan
lunar_furor wrote:I know what you mean. And I know it's a little rushed but It's a little hard to keep... how do I put it... Ok I get along in the story and feel like it's getting too long for people to be interrested, and the letter thing I just couldn't really think of another way... I'll work on that in the future but I'll leave these alone just as, say, reflection. Thanks for the constructive criticism and thank you for reading!
Thank you for an interesting story :D
keja wrote:I would also like to re-point out Shai's problems, without sounding too rude.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:18 am
by lunar_furor
I'll post a new one soon, hopefully it's better!