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Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 12:31 pm
by keja
:( I was hoping you had just posted a new one.

Re: EP 3 ~ Tourtured Tribe Pt.1

Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:21 pm
by lunar_furor
Aekus approached the small settlement anxiously. He was ready to see these people and their living. He drew closer and saw... no one? Not one person. There were about twenty huts or so but not one person to be seen. There was a fire going and a kettle on but no people. Well no people, until he was about twelve feet from the kettle.

The villagers rushed out and surrounded him, they were dark skinned and painted. Some tall some short, some men some women. They were all speaking some strange language and many of the men had their hair shaved, while the women in braids. They surrounded him quickly and some brandished weapons. One of the people stood out more than others, he had darker skin, but was still lighter than the other ones. He thought and hoped this was Kreis.

"Hey, are you Kreis?!" he shouted at the man.

The man payed a little more attention and moved toward Aekus. He circled and appraised Aekus, seeming deep in thought. Then stopped abruptly and mumbled some incoherent phrases. The people backed off a little and instead gazed at him a little. The man thought to be Kreis, for he was, turned back to Aekus.

"Yes. I am Kreis, and you must be Aekus. My father told me about you. He said you were a good man but we should keep an eye on you."
"Your dad is an interesting man... that's for sure."
"Yes he is... So, you're here, what do you want?"
"Nothing really, I lived in a city, isolated from all of this. I'm just trying to see the world I guess."
"I'd be glad to show you around, and how the people here live their life... but it would be a sham to show you now. The people live in fear some times, rage others, and sadness in the times that are left. There is a group of people with machines, and guns who come and terrorize the people for fun. The tribal people usually fight the fight against who ever opposes them, but they are also simple and don't understand technology... and I, having living out of society, don't really know what they are using. So we are afraid, where I know what a gun is, they don't and don't understand my explanations. Some have come to think these people are mystics who have control over some elements. They are bad men... there are two of them and have kidnapped some of the women here. I would be willing to bet that this isn't the only tribe that they have terrorized. The towns people really don't care about us, and there is really no other help to be gotten around here. I know you're just one man but you killed a Karra... that usually takes three or four of our hunters. Perhaps you can help, or find some help?"
"Well I do know some people, but I don't know if they can help... I can send for them if you like."
"That would be good. We would appreciate any help you can give."

They led Aekus to a hut. Apperently it was Kreis' hut, it wasn't the biggest but it definitely seemed the most comfortable. Kreis went in and beckoned that Aekus follow, so he did. When he got inside he saw, on his left, a nice bed and some random articles of paper and spears. There was a log table and bench in front of him. On his right, was a small desk he must have brought in from town. On it was a rifle.

"We managed to get this from one of the men helping the bad men we have named T'ala and Rotha, or Thunder and Lightning in the native language. You can use this if it will help."
"Did you say you got it from one them? That's odd... this gun is new, barely used. I've had my dealings with guns in the past and this is no gun from around here, that's for sure."

Aekus looked at the weapon and looked at it's label. "Halorie Special" This gun was made far in the north in another city he had heard of. What bothered him is that it was the designated rifle for the police force there... what was a police gun doing in a plains filled area like this?

"We have prepared a hut for you while you stay here."
"Thank you, I'll write a letter sending to see if my friends can help me."

Kreis led him to his hut... which wasn't too flattering. It was good enough to sleep in though. He got a piece of paper from Kreis and wrote to Sesh.

"Hey Sesh,
Hows the gang been doing? I hope my leaving didn't have too much of an impact. The reason I'm writing, though, is that I need some help. There are some people here who are being terrorized and kidnapped by... well we're not sure, but they have guns. Halorie Specials... If you can help get on the train heading towards Janibry.
I look forward to seeing a reply.

He headed back to town to send the letter off, then returned to the settlement to talk to Kreis. They spoke about the people, and the area. They talked until it started getting dark and had a great meal. They had something like a stew, and some salad with some fruit. Aekus fell asleep in his hut after the meal and dreamed of the times in the city, with the gang...

(I'm gonna end it there, hopefully it's better)

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:42 pm
by Shai'tan
lunar_furor wrote:(I'm gonna end it there, hopefully it's better)
You mean that's it? No more story?

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:59 pm
by keja
That can't be true, can it?

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 5:14 am
by lunar_furor
i meant that one story... i'm ending that one 'episode' there...

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:13 am
by keja
Oh, cool.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 2:02 pm
by Shai'tan
lunar_furor wrote:i meant that one story... i'm ending that one 'episode' there...
Oh right, I thought you were ending the entire story :shock:

But it's improving, lots better :)

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 5:32 am
by lunar_furor
*whew* Ok good! I had a hard time coming up with the scenario until I read the news paper at work, or something. It had nothing to do w/ police, just general slave stuff... but anyway. Thanks world news!

Re: EP 4 ~ Tourtured Tribe Pt.2

Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 10:52 am
by lunar_furor
(Let's see if I still got it hmm?)
As he walked down the street he noticed that the buildings were faded in colour. Some of the windows were broken in the shops, and boards covered others. The buildings shot up into the sky, seemingly for ever. The air was crisp and cold. He wore a long coat, made of wool, leather gloves, heavy pants, solid boots, and a knit hat, all of which were black. The buildings varied in style, some were blocky, boring and bare, while others were elaborately decorated with rounding, statues and columns. At the end of the street stood a large church, it seemed dark but at the same time serene. It had the main base and a sharp steeple with a shape on top that looked like a diamond in a circle, each point extended out of the circle and had an arrow head shape at the tip. He walked toward it, but didn't seem to draw any closer. He walked for what seemed endlessly yet felt no fatigue. The church started to get larger, slowly, very slowly, as if he was getting nearer, and as this happened he started to hear voices. Few at first, a child, an old man, a lady, someone with a very low almost inaudible voice. Then the voices got slightly louder, more frequent, more people joined in. They were chatting with each other and no one at the same time. Then they seemed to break into a low chant of unintelligible words and then broke into a chorus.
May one bring the day, May one bring the rain,
It has been seen clear, A rising of light again,
And as the night goes on, Time takes on disguises,
And as the night ends, Man also rises.

He saw Sesh at the end of the way, in front of the church. Aekus walked faster, as he did he noticed the buildings started to change, not the buildings he saw, but the ones he didn't, the ones that were coming into view were different. They became more artificial, made of metals and cleaner cut stones. The details faded as he lost focus on them. As he drew nearer Sesh, more people showed up. A child, an old man, a lady, and something that was neither man nor woman, it was not human... but not an animal. It was something in between. It was like a man combined with a falcon. It had a very elegant look but also fierce. It's wings protruded from the shoulder and the feathers long and smooth. The arms ended in hands with claws instead of fingernails. The head was that of a falcons but larger... almost a little more human in shape,being that it's neck was human, but with feathers. It wore pants that cut of above the knee and each 'sleeve' was drawn to the leg with a string. It's legs ended in talons. It wore no shirt but more of a rope, with cloth tied to it at every six inches. The rope went from it's right shoulder to it's left hip. Each cloth piece hung down a foot, and each a different colour. Aekus assumed this to be the deep voice. When he finally got to them the singing stopped, the people dissolved into a blue dust, then ascended into the air, and then out of existence. The church crumbled and as the pieces hit the ground they burst to dust, this time a deep red, and left the same way as the people. The city behind him melted into an orange pool before seeping through the ground. A dark circle appeared below him and the rest of the ground pulled away from him in every direction, quickly, until he could no longer see it. The circle turned green and spread out to become a plains. The sky turned red, and machine came over the hills. It was large and menacing, with many blades, and saws. Two men rode it, one large and muscle bound, the other short and fat. They shot guns into the air and moved the machine along swiftly. It moved on 6 large wheels, four in the front, one in the back. It came toward him faster and faster before it hit him.

Aekus woke abruptly to the sound of shouting and whooping. He jumped out of bed and went over to where he left his things. He put on his coat, grabbed his knife and the Halorie Special he got from Kreis. He threw open the flap to his hut, and was greeted by an unexpected brightness. He had slept longer than he had thought, it was early afternoon. Rushing to find Kreis he rubbed his eyes, still hurting from the abrupt brightness. Kreis found him first.

"Some men have come looking for you, they say they know you."
"Who... SESH!"

He ran to confirm what he had hoped. Sesh stood out side the village, being held at weapon point by the tribes men. Aekus told Kreis that these were the people he sent for.

"Sesh I'm surprised you came so quickly!"
"We missed you, it's been boring around the city lately."
"I see how it is, how did you find me?"
"Apparently you're quite famous around town, wasn't hard to find you."
"I see."

Kreis led Aekus, Sesh and the others back to town. Kreis and Aekus got them up to speed on the situation.

"They have Halorie Specials... do you think it's the Northern police?" Sesh asked.
"We're not really sure, but we should be prepared for the worst." Kreis replied.
"Do you know where they come from?" - Aekus
"Usually from the west, but some times from the north." - Kreis
"Well then perhaps we scout ahead before we plan anything too large scale." - Sesh
"I agree. We can prepare huts for you but it may take some time." - Kreis
"No thanks, not really our style. We'll take up in the inn back in town, we can ask around town and supply our selves easier that way." - Sesh
"Good idea. I'll stay here and work with Kreis to get some idea on where to start the search. Perhaps someone around here knows something." - Aekus

Sesh and the extra men, there were 5 of them all together, went back to town. Aekus and Kreis went back to Kreis' hut to gather what they knew to try and find a starting point. It was now late afternoon, the sun was near setting, but still completely visible. Aekus wandered around the village a little to observe what he could. A group of men came back with the spoils of their recent hut. The women were preparing to start cooking the evening meal. Children played around in the dirt. It seemed that the villagers were calming down a little. There were still some who were a little on edge, hiding in their huts, keeping a close eye on their kids and such. The woman that had ventured into town approached him. She was a little taller, thin but fit. Her hair was raven black and braided. There were leather strands in the braids, tied at the ends. Her eyes were light brown, near yellow, like a cat. She wore a leather skirt, down to her knees, and a top starting under her arms and going down at a slant to her right hip. She looked similar to the rest of the tribe, but her eyes were lighter.

"You are Aekus. Many of us are happy for you to be here. I am glad you are help us. Why you help us with out ask for something from us?"
"I used take not ask where I am from. I was good at it, but I felt that I was stuck there. I left and instead of stealing to live, I'd live to learn. I wanted to see the world. So I left. What is your name?"
"I am called Yet'ua (yet you-ah), in your language it means Grass Panther."
"How did you get that name?"
"Here when name child, it is not at birth as with you are. It is watch child, and name by how they act and look. I was name by my eyes and when I was child I'd crawl around and chase the crickets."
"It's a nice name. What do you do around here?"
"Thank you. Women of tribe all do same. We cook and care for child mostly. Sometimes we hunt also. Men hunt and defend tribe mostly, but cook and care for child sometimes. Men here are not considered above women, and women not above men. We equal in the eyes of Sister Mat'ua (Maht you-ay), or in your language nature, but we know that people not all the same, do some things better."
"I wish the city was that fair. Where I'm from many people think women are only for cooking and cleaning, it's very sad there some times. It's been nice talking to you but I think I should be getting to bed."
"You not stay for food?"
"I want to be up early to start the look for T'ala and Rotha."
"I see well sleep well and may Sister Mat'ua bring you a good night."
"You too.

He retreated to his hut, set down his weapons, put down his coat and shirt and fell asleep.

(I know it doesn't seem like much happened, but I feel like cutting it off here... I'm tired.)

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 12:40 pm
by qwertzuiop
Nice story... a bit rushed, but otherwise good.

I'm looking forward to episode 4 :lol:

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 8:24 pm
by Shai'tan
Incredible, you definitely still got it :D

I can't really think of anything to complain about how you write it nor the story it self. The only thing I found a bit odd, in lack of a better word, is the conversation between Sesh, Kreis and Aekus. It's really just line by line with their names after it, but it kinda works so I won't complain ;)

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:47 am
by lunar_furor
Shai'tan wrote:Incredible, you definitely still got it :D

I can't really think of anything to complain about how you write it nor the story it self. The only thing I found a bit odd, in lack of a better word, is the conversation between Sesh, Kreis and Aekus. It's really just line by line with their names after it, but it kinda works so I won't complain ;)
I know what you mean, I knew that conversation would seem odd but I wanted to try a different name designation besides he replied, she asked etc. When I read conversations and see the word replied and said over and over it bores me and bothers me a little. I wanted people to know who was talking without using specific wording, to let the reader insert their own word. I know people keep saying it seems rushed, but I also want this story to be a little engaging. I write the bits to be in depth where I think it should be, details of characters, certain scenery, but I don't want to dictate the imagination. Also, when writing this it is hard to keep involved for me, i have mild ADD problems still about, and I tend to go off track when typing, I try to stay on track enough without detailing every little thing in the story. Earlier when it seemed convenient that Aekus found the only man with a son in this tribe, even though I should have put it more clearly, I didn't mean it to come down to luck that it was the first person, I just wanted to skip the cliche of showing all of the failures, that probably have been a cliche scenario in each case. I try as hard as possible to go around the normal circumstances, and these days everything is seen so often it's very hard not too. If there is something you all want detailed more, such as certain situations, or more scenery or such, I'd appreciate hearing it. I'll then try to put that in more, perhaps that'll take away the rushed feel. So far I'm writing what I'd want to read, with alterations based on Shai's and others suggestions. I want to basically give you all something good to read if i can, but I don't exactly know where to improve. I really appreciate the feed back and even more that my attempts to supply you all with something you enjoy are successful, this won't be the last installment for sure, though I can't say exactly when I'll type up the next one. I'll try to have it up before the end of the month, or early next month.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 3:49 pm
by qwertzuiop
now i thought you'd posted a new part of the story...

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:53 pm
by keja
Wow! This story keeps getting better!

And I like the way you wrote the dialogue, it reminds me of Roddy Doyle's Barrytown books which you mihht find interesting, if you're looking for something to read and don't mind Ireland.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:20 pm
by Sora
ohmigosh :shock: :shock:

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:01 am
by lunar_furor
I'll be posting a new one soon, but from what I see the dialogue thing is staying. The next parts will ACTUALLY go into the finding of the people and background of them if I remember to make it up lol.

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:21 am
by keja
Making it up as you go along is one of of my prefered methods of writing. It's the best way to get ideas for me..

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:14 am
by lunar_furor
That's how I've done it so far lol

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:13 pm
by lunar_furor
There was a bright light, that faded from slowly. Once he could see beyond to what caused the flash he realized where he was. He was standing in a large room with a table at the other end. The floor was metal, the walls were stone, and the ceiling was a field of flowers. The flowers were white orchids with red centers, not that he knew the name. He looked around, there was a very small blue wooden door behind him and across the room, which now seemed to have shifted somewhere in shape to resemble a very wide and very long hallway, was a table and a man sitting at it. He knelt down and tried the door. Behind the door was a gruesome scene of slaughter and death... at a festival in the town. The buildings were not damaged, except the house of the man who sent him to the tribe. The house was on fire and a large hole was in the door. The festival tables and booths were also undamaged, but everything was splattered with blood. There were countless bodies stacked in a pile at one end. He climbed through the door to examine further. As he walked around he found many bodies laying against chairs and tables. The sky was a dark unnatural green colour and riddled with thick orange clouds. The bodies had no faces, they were not tore off, just blank, like dolls that hadn't been finished. He heard a voice... or he thought it was a voice, it was more like a gravely sound.
He turned to see what had said it, and turned in horror to see the karra, with the fresh cut still in it. It was covered in blood and it was assumed that the karra had caused the slaughter. It dashed at him! Aekus dodged out of the way in time to receive only a minor wound on his arm, though it did not bleed it was warm. Aekus went for his knife but found no purchase where the familiar hilt had once been. The karra quickly turned to face him once more, and as it lashed out again Aekus turned and ran, for some reason for the burning house. Once he got there and opened the door the karra jumped from the fire and knocked him back. He looked where the karra had been before the house to see nothing but another corpse. He was in the middle of the town square, bloody faceless mangled bodies all around him. As the karra approached he felt a static along the ground. A small gentle shaking that soothed his senses.
Then seemingly from no where or anywhere the old man, the child, the lady, and the falcon appeared. He saw them in better detail this time. The old man turned out to be the store keeper. The lady was very light skinned with flowing silver hair, she wore a long yellow dress and held a glass in one hand. Both of her arms were in black gloves that went up past her elbow a little. The child was bald and had a strange symbol tattooed to his forehead, for some reason Aekus knew this symbol to mean "Adamant", and his eyes were closed. He wore an orange set of cloths he had never seen before. The falcon remained unchanged but for the crown of flowing silver atop his head. They repeated the chant.

May one bring the day, May one bring the rain,
It has been seen clear, A rising of light again,
And as the night goes on, Time takes on disguises,
And as the night ends, Man also rises.

As soon as the chant was finished Yet'ua walked out of a near by house. The karra took no notice and charged Aekus. Yet'ua quickly dashed across the square loosing not one step avoiding the bodies, and with an ornately decorated, yet sturdy spear she impaled the karra through the body and pinned it to the ground.
"You will not take him from the world!"

He woke up not as abruptly as the night before. He sat up and looked around and found that Yet'ua was in his tent. He looked at her puzzled.
"You were making noise. I came in to check if you ok. You tossed and turned in your sleep, I guess Mat'ua didn't bring the good night."
"Not quite..."
"Something not right?"
"I don't know, what do your people say about dreams?"
"We think Mat'ua communicates through them, we believe they sign. Usually we tell outsider their dream not same as ours. They dream come from they belief."

Aekus wasn't sure if the dream meant anything or not, he decided to wait and see. He stood up.

"Well thank you Yet'ua."
"Yes. You no sleep."
"No I think I'm going to walk around for a little bit. Care to join me?"
"I think me like that."

Re: Lunar's Story

Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:58 pm
by lunar_furor
Aekus and Yet'ua left the tent and started walking toward the town. Yet'ua told Aekus more about the town and how they made all their own tools, and buildings from the resources around them. As they continued talking Aekus learned a lot about Yetua.

"You used to chase bugs as a kid?" Aekus asked.
"Yes me hunt! Me want be strong." Yet'ua replied.
"Hunting crickets doesn't seem like it'd make you strong..."
"Make me fast, fast part of strong."
"I see, did you get good at it."
Yet'ua smiled a big glowing smile and hit her chest with her fist.
"Yet'ua best cricket catcher in village!"
Aekus laughed a little and they kept walking... but he couldn't get the dream out of his head.
"Yet'ua... About dreams. I had a very strange one." Aekus began.
"Oh? Mat'ua tell you something?"
"I don't know. The karra I killed came back and slaughtered the town... then came after me. Just before it attacked me you saved me."
Yet'ua blushed a little.
"We believe that in dream when in trouble only one close you save you."
Aekus tripped over a rock just as she said that. Ie didn't get up right away. He was thinking about what she said... He thought she was pretty, but never thought of her like that. It was a little strange for him. He reached in his pocket... He felt the bracelet. Yet'ua helped him up and he brushed himself off.
"That's interesting... There were other people there too. A child, an old man, a woman and a bird man thing."
"Mat'ua may used these people as sign of something."
"They were in a dream before, they had a chant... I can't quite remember it."
"I'm sure you remember some time."

They continued on, neither saying much. A few animals near by were grazing, and some birds flew over head. The sky was clear, a few clouds dotted the sky. There were more birds as they walked. Yet'ua stopped.

"What's wrong?" Aekus asked.
"Too many bird..."
"Bird here not fly in big group like that. They fly as family."

Aekus watched the birds fly over head... They were like a massive dark cloud in some parts. He reached for his knife, and felt it's familiar cold wooden grip. As he drew it he saw Yet'ua fall to the ground.

"Ground moving... Something big."

It was big. It was also far off, Aekus thought he heard it. He looked around and when he faced to the right of town he saw a large dust storm, or so he thought. The sound grew louder, and louder until it sounded like a running of a thousand animals. It was moving fast, they didn't know what to do so they up and ran toward town. At first Aekus led but Yet'ua caught up and passed him a little. Aekus shouted for her to wait but she couldn't hear him over the thunderous sound of the cloud. It cut them off and Aekus lost sight of her. As the cloud passed he thought he heard some men yelling and wooping. The cloud passed and left as fast as it came... and Yet'ua with it. He looked around, not really sure what happened. He was sure however of machine tracks when he saw them. The tracks cut a large brown gash across the green field. He was stunned at how fast it had all happened. Once he regained his composure he ran back to the village as fast as he could and woke Kreis.

"Kreis! Kreis! They took her!" Aekus shouted.
"What? Who? Aekus settle down, who took who?" Kreis Replied.
"T'ala and Rotha, they got Yet'ua."
"WHAT?! When?"
"Just now, we were walking to town and they came from nowhere and got her."
"I'll send a scout party ahead, go gather your men. We must go now before anymore people are put in danger. I'll gather my best hunting party and meet you in town."

So Aekus left Kreis' tent and headed back toward town.